Rude Awakening

I drank, therefore I am.  Hungover.  Every Saturday morning.  Ever since I drank my first beer on Halloween of my sophomore year in high school.  It was a Corona and it was warm.  And it is was heaven in a bottle.  That’s not the point.  Anyway, I have a cat. My cat throws up, all the fucking time.  My favorite time for her to throw up is when I’m late for work, and she does it as I’m walking out the door, as if the fact that I’m on my way to work hasn’t fucked up my morning enough.  (Do you ever wake up and for 10 seconds you think it’s Saturday, when it’s really Tuesday?  I fucking hate that.)  

Good news, today really is Saturday. This morning my cat decided to throw up in front of the bathroom sink.  I first noticed it at 6AM when I did the still drunk wake up piss tylenol vitamin water dance.  As I’m taking a piss, I notice the puke on the floor and I say to myself “fuck, I’m glad I didn’t step in that shit.”  I use profanity when I talk to myself.  “Now that I know it’s there, I won’t step in it when I actually get up this morning.” 

A couple hours later when I actually woke up, I walk out of my bedroom and I fucking stepped in that shit.  Cold, half digested cat food laced with feline stomach acid and hair was now between my toes.  It was kind of funny, but it was definitely ass.  I cleaned it off real quick and that was that.  I notice my cat is drinking some water, and I give her breakfast after that.  Breakfast is half a can of wet food, so is dinner.  My cat’s food is on top of the fridge.  Don’t ask me why, that’s just where the fuck I put it, ahkay bud? 

So my cat eats the wet food and while standing on my kitchen counter, decides that it’s a great time to throw up again.  She threw up off the counter on to the kitchen floor.  It splattered all over the fucking place like when you’re walking home from a late night and you throw up in the doorstep of the nail salon on Olympic Blvd and it splatters on the walls, your jeans, and your shoes.  Don’t act like you’ve never done that.  It even made the same noise as it hit the floor.  Fuck.  I’m hungover, I stepped in cat barf, and now I also have it splattered all over the kitchen floor.  And I guess because she drank a bunch of water right before, the puke was all watery and runny and shit.  Is that gross? 

I figured it was a great photo op, so I snapped a pic.  Enjoy.  If your morning sucked, I hope this might make it not so bad after all. 

Actually, I don’t give a fuck about how your morning went.