Man v Turtle

I don’t like animals.  In fact, I hate them.  Now save it with your PETA bullshit, I just don’t have time for pets and I don’t understand why people have/love them.  If you are a 7 year old boy with no friends or a blind dude, I could see having a dog, maybe.  Dogs/Cats/Birds/Hamsters/Roosters/Hyenas – all they do is Shit, get shit dirty and eat.  They are loud and destructive as well.  I can’t even handle my roommates, why the fuck would I want some dirty varmint in my house?  Bottom line, I hate animals.

That being said, it’s a Friday night, 2:30am, bars are closed and we’re looking for trouble.  Me and the team find ourselves at some random broad’s house in North Beach with a bunch of randos.  We’re in good form, to say the least.  This Chick has a big fish tank with 3 pet turtles in it.  One of my Jackass buddies decides to take one of the Turtles out and start harassing everyone with it.  I’ve got my standard drunk confidence going and I may have been trying to impress a girl or two, so I stand up and grab the Turtle and profess my love for animals in front of everyone.  Those who know me know that couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

In an over the top drunk spectacle, I proclaim that I am going to kiss the turtle.  The fucking thing gets about five inches from my face and its god damn head comes flying out the shell straight at my face.  This thing had a 6 inch neck and it was quicker then a snake.  Next thing I know the fucker is clamped onto my upper lip and its not letting go.  I’m pulling it away from my face as hard as I can and after about 10 seconds it comes off my lip and goes flying across the room.  I really let this guy go, I chucked this thing like Ichiro from right.  In true perfect timing, the poor girl who lives there walks out of her room to see her pet turtle flying across the room and land on the hard wood floor 15 feet from where it started.  My lip is bleeding like crazy, this girl is crying her eyes out and I swear to god I have never seen my friends laugh harder.  Now that is FCA, mostly F.