Dude

 Spoof on Bud Light Dude commercials.

 

Don’t Mess with Texas

It’s a long way down when you’re standing at the top. 

My room came with a sleep number bed.  I think I’ll start with 69 and go from there.

Time to get busy in this mother fucker. 

AK-47 now, n*gga, stop that.

From hotel balcony.

Can I expense this shit?

Thank You

 I know that looks like ass on a placemat, but it’s my dinner from last night.  I’m lying, it’s my second dinner from last night.  My first dinner was Pho from R&J Noodle House at 7PM, Jack in the Box was my second dinner and right now I’m considering Chipotle, but who gives a shit anyway?

I took this picture, because I wanted to share the middle BJ equivalent in ordering fast food.  I like curly fries, but who the fuck ever thinks to order them.  Tonight was my lucky night… it was one of those nights where the dude knew I was down, and he hooked me up with a curly fry in the midst of my regular fries.  And for that, Jose/Fernando/Juan/Edwardo/Ricardo/George Lopez, I thank you.  Also, thank you for giving me three ranches instead of the standard one-ranch-per-request-per-car bullshit that you normally try to pull.  Tonight must’ve been your lucky night too.

By the way, the rather large lady that works at the Walnut Creek Jack in the Crack- you all know who I’m talking about.  Does she own a Gordon Gecko sized amount of stock in JIB, what the fuck?  She has worked there forever… and given the amount of shit we used to give her in High School, I’m lucky that my sourdough jack didn’t come with extra spit… and I’m lucky that I got that curly fry, for that matter.

Laying Some Brick

So far, there’s been a lot of hate-themed literature here.  Let’s keep it going. 

Do you have a BlackBerry?  I do.  If you’re like me, 50% of time spent using your BlackBerry is when you’re dropping a duece.  And if you’re like me, 90% of your duece time is spent playing Brick Breaker.  I hate it when you’re playing brick, you hit a brick that drops a “flip” thing (what do you call those little things that fall anyway? I’m calling them “tokens.”)  So a flip token drops and the ball lands in the exact same place and time as the flip token, and you’re forced, that’s right, FORCED to have an instant opposite day during your game of brick.  Left means right, right means left, no means yes, cat means dog, and solid means dio.  I hate that shit.  If you’re anywhere past the fifth level when shit starts getting complicated, especially if you’re at the beginning level, it means you have a 75% chance of wasting a precious life all because of some shitty flip token.  Swear, can someone post the Game Genie code to have full time lasers and only life tokens drop? 

That’s all for now… gotta go… and take a shit… and play some brick… thanks.

Rude Awakening

I drank, therefore I am.  Hungover.  Every Saturday morning.  Ever since I drank my first beer on Halloween of my sophomore year in high school.  It was a Corona and it was warm.  And it is was heaven in a bottle.  That’s not the point.  Anyway, I have a cat. My cat throws up, all the fucking time.  My favorite time for her to throw up is when I’m late for work, and she does it as I’m walking out the door, as if the fact that I’m on my way to work hasn’t fucked up my morning enough.  (Do you ever wake up and for 10 seconds you think it’s Saturday, when it’s really Tuesday?  I fucking hate that.)  

Good news, today really is Saturday. This morning my cat decided to throw up in front of the bathroom sink.  I first noticed it at 6AM when I did the still drunk wake up piss tylenol vitamin water dance.  As I’m taking a piss, I notice the puke on the floor and I say to myself “fuck, I’m glad I didn’t step in that shit.”  I use profanity when I talk to myself.  “Now that I know it’s there, I won’t step in it when I actually get up this morning.” 

A couple hours later when I actually woke up, I walk out of my bedroom and I fucking stepped in that shit.  Cold, half digested cat food laced with feline stomach acid and hair was now between my toes.  It was kind of funny, but it was definitely ass.  I cleaned it off real quick and that was that.  I notice my cat is drinking some water, and I give her breakfast after that.  Breakfast is half a can of wet food, so is dinner.  My cat’s food is on top of the fridge.  Don’t ask me why, that’s just where the fuck I put it, ahkay bud? 

So my cat eats the wet food and while standing on my kitchen counter, decides that it’s a great time to throw up again.  She threw up off the counter on to the kitchen floor.  It splattered all over the fucking place like when you’re walking home from a late night and you throw up in the doorstep of the nail salon on Olympic Blvd and it splatters on the walls, your jeans, and your shoes.  Don’t act like you’ve never done that.  It even made the same noise as it hit the floor.  Fuck.  I’m hungover, I stepped in cat barf, and now I also have it splattered all over the kitchen floor.  And I guess because she drank a bunch of water right before, the puke was all watery and runny and shit.  Is that gross? 

I figured it was a great photo op, so I snapped a pic.  Enjoy.  If your morning sucked, I hope this might make it not so bad after all. 

Actually, I don’t give a fuck about how your morning went. 

White Rabbits

My friend had this to say today:

You guys know about White Rabbits candy they give you at Chinese restaurants? Anyways my coworker got a handful on our way out from lunch and they were super hard (either from being cold or old). We get back to the office and this girl goes “hey let me have one of those.”  My coworker says “they are pretty hard, you might want to put it by your space heater for a minute.” Out loud in front of mad people I’m like “maybe stick it in your thank-you for 10 minutes.” Everyone goes WTF?

I Hate Bums

Holy shit this is long. 

Three weeks ago I was at Target, (yeah, I shop at Target, fuck you, care) and I’m loading my shit in my car.  I think I bought travel items for an upcoming cruise.  You know, those little things of toothpaste and face wash that you end up never using anyway b/c you’re too gone?  I have to buy those things now to get through security at the airport… and that’s a whole different story.  Anyway, I’m loading my shit in my car and I notice the scrubby fuck walking around the parking lot.  Thing is, dude’s rocking a grey suit and red power tie over a white shirt.  Chameleon bum, trying to blend in to WC I guess, who knows?  Maybe he read it on a fucking bum blog, or they discussed it at the last bum forum under the freeway.  Why do we even have bums in Walnut Creek, FUCK!  Anyway, I can’t see very well from far away, so at first I thought it was an emo-dude that rocks fucked up hair but a suit at the same time, you know?  That’s a whole different story too.  You’re going to realize that this is starting to get climatic, but the end of the story will be a major let down.  I just want it to be known that I hate bums.  So this bum comes up to me and says: 

• “do you have $4 so I can catch the train?” (bum)
• “WHAT?” (me)
• “um, do you think I could have $4? I have to catch the train.”
• “NO, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.  I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR YOU.”  (me, not kidding.) 

So he doesn’t even trip, because apparently I’m not the only one who told him to fuck off today (imagine that, in Walnut Creek?)  He just walks off…  Then he has the audacity to go up to a lady that is loading her two babies in her minivan and says the same shit.  Lady must’ve been trippin, probably thinks that Ted Kaszincskfjksadhsjky is about to rob her ass at Target.  So now I’m watching this suited up bum, because I’m in cop/hero mode… not sure why, what the fuck would I actually do about it?  I’m not going to punch a bum in the face, because then I get bum juice on my hand and I’d have to have that shit amputated. 

Anyway, bum story short I watch this fucker walk around the entire parking lot asking for $4 to ride the fucking train.  Bums are on to big shit now, they don’t even fuck with asking for change.  If dude had asked me for a quarter or a dime, I still would’ve told him to fuck off because I hate bums, but he would’ve had a better chance from someone else.  Sure, it may have taken him an hour to build up to $4 worth of change, but that’s called fucking WORK.  A fucking JOB. Bum story shorter, I get in my car and I pull up to this bum in a freshly washed Mercedes.  I roll down the window and I’m like: 

• “Hey, bro.  Come here.”  (probably thinks he is about to score, like I started to feel bad for him plus I’m rolling in a Benz)
• “Yeah?”
• “Hey, you’re scaring people so why don’t you get the fuck out of here?”
• “Scaring people?  I’m not scaring people.”
• “Yeah you are, cause you’re a creepy mother fucker in suit.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GET A JOB” 

So he walks off, and I told Target security, because I’m a bad mother fucker.  To be honest, I drove off kind of fast, because I was scared the bum might try to throw down.  What does a bum have to lose?  Nothing.  That’s why I hate them.  I have no sympathy for bums.  Take a shower, cut your fucking hair, and go flip burgers or pump gas or work in the fucking stock market like Will Smith did in that movie, who cares.  Point is, I’m a firm believer that bums choose to be bums.  Blame it on drugs, alcohol, abusive parents, I still don’t give a fuck.  I have my fair share of issues and fucked up problems, but I’m not a bum.  If you really want to do something in life, the world is a giant pussy waiting to be fucked.  So put your mind to it, create a plan, and get to stepping.  And if you’re a bum with an internet connection, get a fucking job and know that I hate you more than I hate not having a haircut in 4 days.  If you’ve read this far, then thanks for reading.  Go tell a bum to fuck off when you see one.  Just like I told a bum that was trying to hitchhike on Treat Blvd last week to FUCK OFF.  I hope you hate bums as much as I do.  

Agents

It would be FCA to post next day agent recaps here.

You’re Aize.

GFY.