Dude

 Spoof on Bud Light Dude commercials.

 

Couple F Bombs

Fuck you fat lady who is constantly announcing the new diet you’re on, but never lose a single fucking pound. Funny thing is that throughout the day I truly see you only eat oatmeal, salads, diet soda, grilled chicken, etc. Do you go home and double fist chalupas followed up by a full bag of marshmallows? Fuck.

Fuck you dipshit bouncer who stands in front of the door at a cool bar with a permanent frown. You are a midget stuck in a 6′4” frame. When was the last time you got laid without force?

Fuck you tow truck driving shades. I parked my car in the red for 3 minutes and you are going to charge me $90 because you already lifted my car two inches off the ground? You probably go home to your trailer every night and throw countless beats to the footage you sneakily recorded of star trek geeks doing each other in full furry bunny costumes.

Fuck you P Diddy. That forced black version of N’ Sync you created blows. (Regarding the girl version, Danity Kain – I would make Aubrey my wife if it was legal to permanently sew her mouth shut)

Fuck you white vans. When I buy you, you look so damn cool, I wear you out once and you find it funny to cover yourself in pizza sauce, Jaeger, and some odd red shit. (Fuck my inability to not spill)

Fuck you guy who ruins my heavenly 15 minutes on the can every morning about 9:12am with your chronic dio attacks, extreme heavy breathing, and occasional cell phone pick ups. Mix in a solid meal for god’s sakes, curried goo meat 4 times a day will do that to anyone. Swear I might lob some dirty TP over the stall next time you interrupt me and I hope it lands in your eye.

Fuck you dress shirt neck sizes. I always buy you with extra neck room, and somehow whenever I go to wear you with a tie for the first time, trying to button the top button takes the strength of Arnold in his prime. Then I have to go through my day with a blue face from lack of oxygen, and one deep breath may launch my button, like a speeding bullet, at that guy in the elevator who I swear is a walking SBD.

Fuck you hot chick who suggests that we don’t use a J Cap when it comes down to crunch time. You may not be aware of this, but I have had 15 drinks tonight at the bar and lord knows I don’t have the power to disagree with you at this point. Do I have “please give me wild raw dog agents to dwell upon for the next week, where every routine itch is followed up with a sprint to the bathroom to make sure you didn’t leave me a present” tattooed on my forehead? Get a grip and make some right decisions.

 

Thank You

 I know that looks like ass on a placemat, but it’s my dinner from last night.  I’m lying, it’s my second dinner from last night.  My first dinner was Pho from R&J Noodle House at 7PM, Jack in the Box was my second dinner and right now I’m considering Chipotle, but who gives a shit anyway?

I took this picture, because I wanted to share the middle BJ equivalent in ordering fast food.  I like curly fries, but who the fuck ever thinks to order them.  Tonight was my lucky night… it was one of those nights where the dude knew I was down, and he hooked me up with a curly fry in the midst of my regular fries.  And for that, Jose/Fernando/Juan/Edwardo/Ricardo/George Lopez, I thank you.  Also, thank you for giving me three ranches instead of the standard one-ranch-per-request-per-car bullshit that you normally try to pull.  Tonight must’ve been your lucky night too.

By the way, the rather large lady that works at the Walnut Creek Jack in the Crack- you all know who I’m talking about.  Does she own a Gordon Gecko sized amount of stock in JIB, what the fuck?  She has worked there forever… and given the amount of shit we used to give her in High School, I’m lucky that my sourdough jack didn’t come with extra spit… and I’m lucky that I got that curly fry, for that matter.

Man v Turtle

I don’t like animals.  In fact, I hate them.  Now save it with your PETA bullshit, I just don’t have time for pets and I don’t understand why people have/love them.  If you are a 7 year old boy with no friends or a blind dude, I could see having a dog, maybe.  Dogs/Cats/Birds/Hamsters/Roosters/Hyenas – all they do is Shit, get shit dirty and eat.  They are loud and destructive as well.  I can’t even handle my roommates, why the fuck would I want some dirty varmint in my house?  Bottom line, I hate animals.

That being said, it’s a Friday night, 2:30am, bars are closed and we’re looking for trouble.  Me and the team find ourselves at some random broad’s house in North Beach with a bunch of randos.  We’re in good form, to say the least.  This Chick has a big fish tank with 3 pet turtles in it.  One of my Jackass buddies decides to take one of the Turtles out and start harassing everyone with it.  I’ve got my standard drunk confidence going and I may have been trying to impress a girl or two, so I stand up and grab the Turtle and profess my love for animals in front of everyone.  Those who know me know that couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

In an over the top drunk spectacle, I proclaim that I am going to kiss the turtle.  The fucking thing gets about five inches from my face and its god damn head comes flying out the shell straight at my face.  This thing had a 6 inch neck and it was quicker then a snake.  Next thing I know the fucker is clamped onto my upper lip and its not letting go.  I’m pulling it away from my face as hard as I can and after about 10 seconds it comes off my lip and goes flying across the room.  I really let this guy go, I chucked this thing like Ichiro from right.  In true perfect timing, the poor girl who lives there walks out of her room to see her pet turtle flying across the room and land on the hard wood floor 15 feet from where it started.  My lip is bleeding like crazy, this girl is crying her eyes out and I swear to god I have never seen my friends laugh harder.  Now that is FCA, mostly F.

Laying Some Brick

So far, there’s been a lot of hate-themed literature here.  Let’s keep it going. 

Do you have a BlackBerry?  I do.  If you’re like me, 50% of time spent using your BlackBerry is when you’re dropping a duece.  And if you’re like me, 90% of your duece time is spent playing Brick Breaker.  I hate it when you’re playing brick, you hit a brick that drops a “flip” thing (what do you call those little things that fall anyway? I’m calling them “tokens.”)  So a flip token drops and the ball lands in the exact same place and time as the flip token, and you’re forced, that’s right, FORCED to have an instant opposite day during your game of brick.  Left means right, right means left, no means yes, cat means dog, and solid means dio.  I hate that shit.  If you’re anywhere past the fifth level when shit starts getting complicated, especially if you’re at the beginning level, it means you have a 75% chance of wasting a precious life all because of some shitty flip token.  Swear, can someone post the Game Genie code to have full time lasers and only life tokens drop? 

That’s all for now… gotta go… and take a shit… and play some brick… thanks.

I Hate Bums

Holy shit this is long. 

Three weeks ago I was at Target, (yeah, I shop at Target, fuck you, care) and I’m loading my shit in my car.  I think I bought travel items for an upcoming cruise.  You know, those little things of toothpaste and face wash that you end up never using anyway b/c you’re too gone?  I have to buy those things now to get through security at the airport… and that’s a whole different story.  Anyway, I’m loading my shit in my car and I notice the scrubby fuck walking around the parking lot.  Thing is, dude’s rocking a grey suit and red power tie over a white shirt.  Chameleon bum, trying to blend in to WC I guess, who knows?  Maybe he read it on a fucking bum blog, or they discussed it at the last bum forum under the freeway.  Why do we even have bums in Walnut Creek, FUCK!  Anyway, I can’t see very well from far away, so at first I thought it was an emo-dude that rocks fucked up hair but a suit at the same time, you know?  That’s a whole different story too.  You’re going to realize that this is starting to get climatic, but the end of the story will be a major let down.  I just want it to be known that I hate bums.  So this bum comes up to me and says: 

• “do you have $4 so I can catch the train?” (bum)
• “WHAT?” (me)
• “um, do you think I could have $4? I have to catch the train.”
• “NO, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.  I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR YOU.”  (me, not kidding.) 

So he doesn’t even trip, because apparently I’m not the only one who told him to fuck off today (imagine that, in Walnut Creek?)  He just walks off…  Then he has the audacity to go up to a lady that is loading her two babies in her minivan and says the same shit.  Lady must’ve been trippin, probably thinks that Ted Kaszincskfjksadhsjky is about to rob her ass at Target.  So now I’m watching this suited up bum, because I’m in cop/hero mode… not sure why, what the fuck would I actually do about it?  I’m not going to punch a bum in the face, because then I get bum juice on my hand and I’d have to have that shit amputated. 

Anyway, bum story short I watch this fucker walk around the entire parking lot asking for $4 to ride the fucking train.  Bums are on to big shit now, they don’t even fuck with asking for change.  If dude had asked me for a quarter or a dime, I still would’ve told him to fuck off because I hate bums, but he would’ve had a better chance from someone else.  Sure, it may have taken him an hour to build up to $4 worth of change, but that’s called fucking WORK.  A fucking JOB. Bum story shorter, I get in my car and I pull up to this bum in a freshly washed Mercedes.  I roll down the window and I’m like: 

• “Hey, bro.  Come here.”  (probably thinks he is about to score, like I started to feel bad for him plus I’m rolling in a Benz)
• “Yeah?”
• “Hey, you’re scaring people so why don’t you get the fuck out of here?”
• “Scaring people?  I’m not scaring people.”
• “Yeah you are, cause you’re a creepy mother fucker in suit.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GET A JOB” 

So he walks off, and I told Target security, because I’m a bad mother fucker.  To be honest, I drove off kind of fast, because I was scared the bum might try to throw down.  What does a bum have to lose?  Nothing.  That’s why I hate them.  I have no sympathy for bums.  Take a shower, cut your fucking hair, and go flip burgers or pump gas or work in the fucking stock market like Will Smith did in that movie, who cares.  Point is, I’m a firm believer that bums choose to be bums.  Blame it on drugs, alcohol, abusive parents, I still don’t give a fuck.  I have my fair share of issues and fucked up problems, but I’m not a bum.  If you really want to do something in life, the world is a giant pussy waiting to be fucked.  So put your mind to it, create a plan, and get to stepping.  And if you’re a bum with an internet connection, get a fucking job and know that I hate you more than I hate not having a haircut in 4 days.  If you’ve read this far, then thanks for reading.  Go tell a bum to fuck off when you see one.  Just like I told a bum that was trying to hitchhike on Treat Blvd last week to FUCK OFF.  I hope you hate bums as much as I do.  

Agents

It would be FCA to post next day agent recaps here.

You’re Aize.

GFY.