Spoof on Bud Light Dude commercials.

It’s a long way down when you’re standing at the top. 

My room came with a sleep number bed.  I think I’ll start with 69 and go from there.

Time to get busy in this mother fucker. 

Monday is Opening Day for the Giants at Pac Bell Park.  Yea, I know, the Giants are an abomination and I could probably start at 2^nd base for them, but I don’t want to get into that right now.  Every year, the Giants home opener marks the Unofficial Start of O.D.D.S.  For those of you who have no understanding of how to live your life, O.D.D.S. stands for Outdoor Day Drinking Season.  In San Francisco, O.D.D.S. is recognized from April until October.  This is the time of year that makes you forget about all the reasons why your life is dog shit.  Every weekend presents a new opportunity to get drunk out of your mind and make a complete ass of yourself…Outside.  O.D.D.S. is all about shaking off Monday Agents and living for that feeling you get every Friday around lunchtime where all you can think about is first crack.  O.D.D.S. is all about rallying a big Friday night into a big Saturday and a big Saturday night into a big Sunday.  Here are some of this season’s highlights:  

Opening Day @ Pac Bell Park – April 7^th           

The Unofficial Start to O.D.D.S.  Prediction – Giants lose 3-0 and I get kicked out of 21^st Amendment. 

San Francisco International Beer Festival @ Fort Mason – April 26^th           

 This one pretty much speaks for itself.  When is the last International Beer Festival you remember leaving?  Exactly. 

San Francisco Wine Festival @ Ghirardelli Square – May 17^th            

This is a great opportunity to do the same stupid shit you do every other weekend, but with a touch of class. 

Bay to Breakers – May 18^th           

 San Francisco’s biggest party.  Dress like an idiot, act like an idiot, good wholesome fun.  Prediction: Sick Day Monday…again. 

O’Reilly’s Beer and Oyster Fest @ Fort Mason – Late May           

Good Drinkin, Good Oysters and good live music.  When getting into the high teens, a good oyster to beer ratio goes a long way. 

Union Street Festival – May 31^st / June 1^st            

Once a year, Union Street closes for people to set up booths selling clothes, Jewelry, art, food, etc.  Now for some reason, that means everybody piles into the surrounding bars all day for the lose your mind dance.  Make Sense?  No.  Is it like Heaven?  Yes.               

 Outside Lands Concert (Jack Johnson, Tom Petty, Radiohead) @ Golden Gate Park – Aug 22^nd – 24^th            

This is being hyped as a huge event.  Do I really care?  No.  I do it for the people though. 

North Beach Festival @ Washington Park – June 14^th & 15^th            

Similar to Union Street Festival, the bars go nuts, so lock up your stool at Savoy early.  Grant Street turns into a Market and everyone gets drunk.  Winner. 

San Francisco Blues Festival @ Fort Mason – Sept 26^th – 28^th            

Get some Culture.  And get drunk. 

San Francisco Fleet Week Oct 9^th – 12^th            

Always a great weekend – Beautiful weather, Blue Angels and lots of Booze.  Find a Rooftop party and celebrate like an American – with Big Loud War Related Stuff.  Just try not to get in a fight with a sailor.  (Easier said then done) 

Oktoberfest by the Bay @ Fort Mason – Oct 2^nd – 5^th            

Usually the Grand Finale of O.D.D.S., this is looked upon as one of the biggest days of the year.  It’s not just the 5 Steins that will get you.  Everyone forgets about the big breasted German girls in their ugly dresses with the test tubes of Jagermeister…so I hear.

Fuck you fat lady who is constantly announcing the new diet you’re on, but never lose a single fucking pound. Funny thing is that throughout the day I truly see you only eat oatmeal, salads, diet soda, grilled chicken, etc. Do you go home and double fist chalupas followed up by a full bag of marshmallows? Fuck.

Fuck you dipshit bouncer who stands in front of the door at a cool bar with a permanent frown. You are a midget stuck in a 6′4” frame. When was the last time you got laid without force?

Fuck you tow truck driving shades. I parked my car in the red for 3 minutes and you are going to charge me $90 because you already lifted my car two inches off the ground? You probably go home to your trailer every night and throw countless beats to the footage you sneakily recorded of star trek geeks doing each other in full furry bunny costumes.

Fuck you P Diddy. That forced black version of N’ Sync you created blows. (Regarding the girl version, Danity Kain – I would make Aubrey my wife if it was legal to permanently sew her mouth shut)

Fuck you white vans. When I buy you, you look so damn cool, I wear you out once and you find it funny to cover yourself in pizza sauce, Jaeger, and some odd red shit. (Fuck my inability to not spill)

Fuck you guy who ruins my heavenly 15 minutes on the can every morning about 9:12am with your chronic dio attacks, extreme heavy breathing, and occasional cell phone pick ups. Mix in a solid meal for god’s sakes, curried goo meat 4 times a day will do that to anyone. Swear I might lob some dirty TP over the stall next time you interrupt me and I hope it lands in your eye.

Fuck you dress shirt neck sizes. I always buy you with extra neck room, and somehow whenever I go to wear you with a tie for the first time, trying to button the top button takes the strength of Arnold in his prime. Then I have to go through my day with a blue face from lack of oxygen, and one deep breath may launch my button, like a speeding bullet, at that guy in the elevator who I swear is a walking SBD.

Fuck you hot chick who suggests that we don’t use a J Cap when it comes down to crunch time. You may not be aware of this, but I have had 15 drinks tonight at the bar and lord knows I don’t have the power to disagree with you at this point. Do I have “please give me wild raw dog agents to dwell upon for the next week, where every routine itch is followed up with a sprint to the bathroom to make sure you didn’t leave me a present” tattooed on my forehead? Get a grip and make some right decisions.

 I know that looks like ass on a placemat, but it’s my dinner from last night.  I’m lying, it’s my second dinner from last night.  My first dinner was Pho from R&J Noodle House at 7PM, Jack in the Box was my second dinner and right now I’m considering Chipotle, but who gives a shit anyway?

I took this picture, because I wanted to share the middle BJ equivalent in ordering fast food.  I like curly fries, but who the fuck ever thinks to order them.  Tonight was my lucky night… it was one of those nights where the dude knew I was down, and he hooked me up with a curly fry in the midst of my regular fries.  And for that, Jose/Fernando/Juan/Edwardo/Ricardo/George Lopez, I thank you.  Also, thank you for giving me three ranches instead of the standard one-ranch-per-request-per-car bullshit that you normally try to pull.  Tonight must’ve been your lucky night too.

By the way, the rather large lady that works at the Walnut Creek Jack in the Crack- you all know who I’m talking about.  Does she own a Gordon Gecko sized amount of stock in JIB, what the fuck?  She has worked there forever… and given the amount of shit we used to give her in High School, I’m lucky that my sourdough jack didn’t come with extra spit… and I’m lucky that I got that curly fry, for that matter.

I don’t like animals.  In fact, I hate them.  Now save it with your PETA bullshit, I just don’t have time for pets and I don’t understand why people have/love them.  If you are a 7 year old boy with no friends or a blind dude, I could see having a dog, maybe.  Dogs/Cats/Birds/Hamsters/Roosters/Hyenas – all they do is Shit, get shit dirty and eat.  They are loud and destructive as well.  I can’t even handle my roommates, why the fuck would I want some dirty varmint in my house?  Bottom line, I hate animals.

That being said, it’s a Friday night, 2:30am, bars are closed and we’re looking for trouble.  Me and the team find ourselves at some random broad’s house in North Beach with a bunch of randos.  We’re in good form, to say the least.  This Chick has a big fish tank with 3 pet turtles in it.  One of my Jackass buddies decides to take one of the Turtles out and start harassing everyone with it.  I’ve got my standard drunk confidence going and I may have been trying to impress a girl or two, so I stand up and grab the Turtle and profess my love for animals in front of everyone.  Those who know me know that couldn’t be farther from the truth. 

In an over the top drunk spectacle, I proclaim that I am going to kiss the turtle.  The fucking thing gets about five inches from my face and its god damn head comes flying out the shell straight at my face.  This thing had a 6 inch neck and it was quicker then a snake.  Next thing I know the fucker is clamped onto my upper lip and its not letting go.  I’m pulling it away from my face as hard as I can and after about 10 seconds it comes off my lip and goes flying across the room.  I really let this guy go, I chucked this thing like Ichiro from right.  In true perfect timing, the poor girl who lives there walks out of her room to see her pet turtle flying across the room and land on the hard wood floor 15 feet from where it started.  My lip is bleeding like crazy, this girl is crying her eyes out and I swear to god I have never seen my friends laugh harder.  Now that is FCA, mostly F.

So far, there’s been a lot of hate-themed literature here.  Let’s keep it going. 

Do you have a BlackBerry?  I do.  If you’re like me, 50% of time spent using your BlackBerry is when you’re dropping a duece.  And if you’re like me, 90% of your duece time is spent playing Brick Breaker.  I hate it when you’re playing brick, you hit a brick that drops a “flip” thing (what do you call those little things that fall anyway? I’m calling them “tokens.”)  So a flip token drops and the ball lands in the exact same place and time as the flip token, and you’re forced, that’s right, FORCED to have an instant opposite day during your game of brick.  Left means right, right means left, no means yes, cat means dog, and solid means dio.  I hate that shit.  If you’re anywhere past the fifth level when shit starts getting complicated, especially if you’re at the beginning level, it means you have a 75% chance of wasting a precious life all because of some shitty flip token.  Swear, can someone post the Game Genie code to have full time lasers and only life tokens drop? 

That’s all for now… gotta go… and take a shit… and play some brick… thanks.

I drank, therefore I am.  Hungover.  Every Saturday morning.  Ever since I drank my first beer on Halloween of my sophomore year in high school.  It was a Corona and it was warm.  And it is was heaven in a bottle.  That’s not the point.  Anyway, I have a cat. My cat throws up, all the fucking time.  My favorite time for her to throw up is when I’m late for work, and she does it as I’m walking out the door, as if the fact that I’m on my way to work hasn’t fucked up my morning enough.  (Do you ever wake up and for 10 seconds you think it’s Saturday, when it’s really Tuesday?  I fucking hate that.)  

Good news, today really is Saturday. This morning my cat decided to throw up in front of the bathroom sink.  I first noticed it at 6AM when I did the still drunk wake up piss tylenol vitamin water dance.  As I’m taking a piss, I notice the puke on the floor and I say to myself “fuck, I’m glad I didn’t step in that shit.”  I use profanity when I talk to myself.  “Now that I know it’s there, I won’t step in it when I actually get up this morning.” 

A couple hours later when I actually woke up, I walk out of my bedroom and I fucking stepped in that shit.  Cold, half digested cat food laced with feline stomach acid and hair was now between my toes.  It was kind of funny, but it was definitely ass.  I cleaned it off real quick and that was that.  I notice my cat is drinking some water, and I give her breakfast after that.  Breakfast is half a can of wet food, so is dinner.  My cat’s food is on top of the fridge.  Don’t ask me why, that’s just where the fuck I put it, ahkay bud? 

So my cat eats the wet food and while standing on my kitchen counter, decides that it’s a great time to throw up again.  She threw up off the counter on to the kitchen floor.  It splattered all over the fucking place like when you’re walking home from a late night and you throw up in the doorstep of the nail salon on Olympic Blvd and it splatters on the walls, your jeans, and your shoes.  Don’t act like you’ve never done that.  It even made the same noise as it hit the floor.  Fuck.  I’m hungover, I stepped in cat barf, and now I also have it splattered all over the kitchen floor.  And I guess because she drank a bunch of water right before, the puke was all watery and runny and shit.  Is that gross? 

I figured it was a great photo op, so I snapped a pic.  Enjoy.  If your morning sucked, I hope this might make it not so bad after all. 

Actually, I don’t give a fuck about how your morning went. 

My friend, whose name will remain anonymous, recently hooked up with a hot chick 5 years his senior.  I saw her in person and let’s just say that any man on the planet would get after it.  Great body, cute face, fake pigs, the whole 9 if you will. 

He takes this girl home one night after a few dates, and before he thought it couldn’t get any better, he comes to find out that her thank-you is unusually soft, clean, and hairless.  He poses the question, how on earth do you get this puppy so amaizingly amazing?  Her reply, “Oh, well, I actually had laser treatment done about a year ago; I will never have a hair down there again my life”. 

Is this not top 10 coolest fucking things you have ever heard?  She took it upon herself to ensure that no man would ever have to get tangled in that mess again for life.  She deserves a Purple Heart, Grammy, National Holiday, a bullet point in the Declaration of Independence, to be bowed upon by all small Asian men upon entering a room, something. 

Only way that chick could get cooler is if she flew into town on business, invited my buddy over to her hotel room for an evening filled with middle BJ’s, let him sleep in a separate bed once the festivities were over, and not expect a call the next day.  Can you imagine if her last name was Zeropussyhair, or something along those lines?  That would put it over the top. 

This is a true story in entirety by the way. FC no A.

My friend had this to say today:

You guys know about White Rabbits candy they give you at Chinese restaurants? Anyways my coworker got a handful on our way out from lunch and they were super hard (either from being cold or old). We get back to the office and this girl goes “hey let me have one of those.”  My coworker says “they are pretty hard, you might want to put it by your space heater for a minute.” Out loud in front of mad people I’m like “maybe stick it in your thank-you for 10 minutes.” Everyone goes WTF?