I Hate Bums

Holy shit this is long. 

Three weeks ago I was at Target, (yeah, I shop at Target, fuck you, care) and I’m loading my shit in my car.  I think I bought travel items for an upcoming cruise.  You know, those little things of toothpaste and face wash that you end up never using anyway b/c you’re too gone?  I have to buy those things now to get through security at the airport… and that’s a whole different story.  Anyway, I’m loading my shit in my car and I notice the scrubby fuck walking around the parking lot.  Thing is, dude’s rocking a grey suit and red power tie over a white shirt.  Chameleon bum, trying to blend in to WC I guess, who knows?  Maybe he read it on a fucking bum blog, or they discussed it at the last bum forum under the freeway.  Why do we even have bums in Walnut Creek, FUCK!  Anyway, I can’t see very well from far away, so at first I thought it was an emo-dude that rocks fucked up hair but a suit at the same time, you know?  That’s a whole different story too.  You’re going to realize that this is starting to get climatic, but the end of the story will be a major let down.  I just want it to be known that I hate bums.  So this bum comes up to me and says: 

• “do you have $4 so I can catch the train?” (bum)
• “WHAT?” (me)
• “um, do you think I could have $4? I have to catch the train.”
• “NO, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.  I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR YOU.”  (me, not kidding.) 

So he doesn’t even trip, because apparently I’m not the only one who told him to fuck off today (imagine that, in Walnut Creek?)  He just walks off…  Then he has the audacity to go up to a lady that is loading her two babies in her minivan and says the same shit.  Lady must’ve been trippin, probably thinks that Ted Kaszincskfjksadhsjky is about to rob her ass at Target.  So now I’m watching this suited up bum, because I’m in cop/hero mode… not sure why, what the fuck would I actually do about it?  I’m not going to punch a bum in the face, because then I get bum juice on my hand and I’d have to have that shit amputated. 

Anyway, bum story short I watch this fucker walk around the entire parking lot asking for $4 to ride the fucking train.  Bums are on to big shit now, they don’t even fuck with asking for change.  If dude had asked me for a quarter or a dime, I still would’ve told him to fuck off because I hate bums, but he would’ve had a better chance from someone else.  Sure, it may have taken him an hour to build up to $4 worth of change, but that’s called fucking WORK.  A fucking JOB. Bum story shorter, I get in my car and I pull up to this bum in a freshly washed Mercedes.  I roll down the window and I’m like: 

• “Hey, bro.  Come here.”  (probably thinks he is about to score, like I started to feel bad for him plus I’m rolling in a Benz)
• “Yeah?”
• “Hey, you’re scaring people so why don’t you get the fuck out of here?”
• “Scaring people?  I’m not scaring people.”
• “Yeah you are, cause you’re a creepy mother fucker in suit.  GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND GET A JOB” 

So he walks off, and I told Target security, because I’m a bad mother fucker.  To be honest, I drove off kind of fast, because I was scared the bum might try to throw down.  What does a bum have to lose?  Nothing.  That’s why I hate them.  I have no sympathy for bums.  Take a shower, cut your fucking hair, and go flip burgers or pump gas or work in the fucking stock market like Will Smith did in that movie, who cares.  Point is, I’m a firm believer that bums choose to be bums.  Blame it on drugs, alcohol, abusive parents, I still don’t give a fuck.  I have my fair share of issues and fucked up problems, but I’m not a bum.  If you really want to do something in life, the world is a giant pussy waiting to be fucked.  So put your mind to it, create a plan, and get to stepping.  And if you’re a bum with an internet connection, get a fucking job and know that I hate you more than I hate not having a haircut in 4 days.  If you’ve read this far, then thanks for reading.  Go tell a bum to fuck off when you see one.  Just like I told a bum that was trying to hitchhike on Treat Blvd last week to FUCK OFF.  I hope you hate bums as much as I do.  

Bum-Sike Pay Back

I am typically pretty nice to bums.  That being said, one night after an all day beer festival in San Francisco, a buddy (Who I will call N for anonymity’s sake) and I peel off from our pack of wild hyena buddies around 11pm and hop in a cab back to BART.   We pop in 7 Eleven on Market and from the moment I stepped out of the cab all the way until I went in the door, this one particularly aggressive bum was haggling the shit out of me.  My buddy and I go inside, both recognizing the fact that the bum needed to settle.  The minute I pop open the door to leave, the same dirty bum started freaking out over how much he wanted the change I had in my hand.  Fed up, I grab my change and hold my hand out over his cup and his face lit up like he just hit the lottery.  At the last second, I snapped my hand back and gave him a loud…”Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkeee”.  My buddy and I turn quickly, laugh our asses off and head towards the BART station without a second thought.  A few minutes later, I hear some yelling noises and the bum is sprinting down the street towards us.  He stops 15 feet away, and while still yelling some demonic shit, he proceeds to Randy Johnson some sort of metal plate directly at my head.  I tried to pull out my Matrix move to dodge it, but I had been drinking brons all day, so the disc smoked me on the side of my head.

 I then proceeded to ram my fist through his abdomen (Blog reader sike).  I actually was a bit freaked out, put my tail between my legs, and sprinted down the stairs and got on BART.  Moral of the story, if you are ever positioned in a perfect bum-sike situation, be prepared for some payback.  If I saw that bum again I’d shake his hand and/or rifle the nearest object in sight at his face.  Late

Agents

It would be FCA to post next day agent recaps here.

You’re Aize.

GFY.