O.D.D.S.

Monday is Opening Day for the Giants at Pac Bell Park.  Yea, I know, the Giants are an abomination and I could probably start at 2^nd base for them, but I don’t want to get into that right now.  Every year, the Giants home opener marks the Unofficial Start of O.D.D.S.  For those of you who have no understanding of how to live your life, O.D.D.S. stands for Outdoor Day Drinking Season.  In San Francisco, O.D.D.S. is recognized from April until October.  This is the time of year that makes you forget about all the reasons why your life is dog shit.  Every weekend presents a new opportunity to get drunk out of your mind and make a complete ass of yourself…Outside.  O.D.D.S. is all about shaking off Monday Agents and living for that feeling you get every Friday around lunchtime where all you can think about is first crack.  O.D.D.S. is all about rallying a big Friday night into a big Saturday and a big Saturday night into a big Sunday.  Here are some of this season’s highlights:  

Opening Day @ Pac Bell Park – April 7^th           

The Unofficial Start to O.D.D.S.  Prediction – Giants lose 3-0 and I get kicked out of 21^st Amendment. 

San Francisco International Beer Festival @ Fort Mason – April 26^th           

 This one pretty much speaks for itself.  When is the last International Beer Festival you remember leaving?  Exactly. 

San Francisco Wine Festival @ Ghirardelli Square – May 17^th            

This is a great opportunity to do the same stupid shit you do every other weekend, but with a touch of class. 

Bay to Breakers – May 18^th           

 San Francisco’s biggest party.  Dress like an idiot, act like an idiot, good wholesome fun.  Prediction: Sick Day Monday…again. 

O’Reilly’s Beer and Oyster Fest @ Fort Mason – Late May           

Good Drinkin, Good Oysters and good live music.  When getting into the high teens, a good oyster to beer ratio goes a long way. 

Union Street Festival – May 31^st / June 1^st            

Once a year, Union Street closes for people to set up booths selling clothes, Jewelry, art, food, etc.  Now for some reason, that means everybody piles into the surrounding bars all day for the lose your mind dance.  Make Sense?  No.  Is it like Heaven?  Yes.               

 Outside Lands Concert (Jack Johnson, Tom Petty, Radiohead) @ Golden Gate Park – Aug 22^nd – 24^th            

This is being hyped as a huge event.  Do I really care?  No.  I do it for the people though. 

North Beach Festival @ Washington Park – June 14^th & 15^th            

Similar to Union Street Festival, the bars go nuts, so lock up your stool at Savoy early.  Grant Street turns into a Market and everyone gets drunk.  Winner. 

San Francisco Blues Festival @ Fort Mason – Sept 26^th – 28^th            

Get some Culture.  And get drunk. 

San Francisco Fleet Week Oct 9^th – 12^th            

Always a great weekend – Beautiful weather, Blue Angels and lots of Booze.  Find a Rooftop party and celebrate like an American – with Big Loud War Related Stuff.  Just try not to get in a fight with a sailor.  (Easier said then done) 

Oktoberfest by the Bay @ Fort Mason – Oct 2^nd – 5^th            

Usually the Grand Finale of O.D.D.S., this is looked upon as one of the biggest days of the year.  It’s not just the 5 Steins that will get you.  Everyone forgets about the big breasted German girls in their ugly dresses with the test tubes of Jagermeister…so I hear.

Rude Awakening

I drank, therefore I am.  Hungover.  Every Saturday morning.  Ever since I drank my first beer on Halloween of my sophomore year in high school.  It was a Corona and it was warm.  And it is was heaven in a bottle.  That’s not the point.  Anyway, I have a cat. My cat throws up, all the fucking time.  My favorite time for her to throw up is when I’m late for work, and she does it as I’m walking out the door, as if the fact that I’m on my way to work hasn’t fucked up my morning enough.  (Do you ever wake up and for 10 seconds you think it’s Saturday, when it’s really Tuesday?  I fucking hate that.)  

Good news, today really is Saturday. This morning my cat decided to throw up in front of the bathroom sink.  I first noticed it at 6AM when I did the still drunk wake up piss tylenol vitamin water dance.  As I’m taking a piss, I notice the puke on the floor and I say to myself “fuck, I’m glad I didn’t step in that shit.”  I use profanity when I talk to myself.  “Now that I know it’s there, I won’t step in it when I actually get up this morning.” 

A couple hours later when I actually woke up, I walk out of my bedroom and I fucking stepped in that shit.  Cold, half digested cat food laced with feline stomach acid and hair was now between my toes.  It was kind of funny, but it was definitely ass.  I cleaned it off real quick and that was that.  I notice my cat is drinking some water, and I give her breakfast after that.  Breakfast is half a can of wet food, so is dinner.  My cat’s food is on top of the fridge.  Don’t ask me why, that’s just where the fuck I put it, ahkay bud? 

So my cat eats the wet food and while standing on my kitchen counter, decides that it’s a great time to throw up again.  She threw up off the counter on to the kitchen floor.  It splattered all over the fucking place like when you’re walking home from a late night and you throw up in the doorstep of the nail salon on Olympic Blvd and it splatters on the walls, your jeans, and your shoes.  Don’t act like you’ve never done that.  It even made the same noise as it hit the floor.  Fuck.  I’m hungover, I stepped in cat barf, and now I also have it splattered all over the kitchen floor.  And I guess because she drank a bunch of water right before, the puke was all watery and runny and shit.  Is that gross? 

I figured it was a great photo op, so I snapped a pic.  Enjoy.  If your morning sucked, I hope this might make it not so bad after all. 

Actually, I don’t give a fuck about how your morning went.